Hey there folks! I know I missed my posted writing yesterday but you will have to tak emy word that is was nonsense. A lot of random rambling that really did not go in any direction so I opted not to share it. I almost thought the same would happen today but once I let my fingers start running over the keyboard a thread started to take shape.
Do you ever find yourself viewing your own life as a story, with its own chapters/acts? If so, are you observant enough to recognize when you have or are shifting from one chapter to the next?
Well for those of you that read my writing it should come as no surprise that I do. This may be a double edge sword but I am very analytical by nature. When mom passed I saw that as a definite end to a chapter of my life story and my subsequent move back to my home town was the beginning of a new chapter.
However, identifying these steps did not take any great insight to recognize. When mom passed that meant both of my parents were gone. The only people in my life that I knew I could count on without a doubt aren’t there and I am just on my own. This was a far more sobering though considering my predilection to hide from most people and keep to my own company. I did not have a network of friends and loved ones that I trusted. Hence the move back to Ohio made all the sense in the world to me. It was a chance to reacquaint myself with family I had not seen in many years and help battle the suffocating loneliness I was staring down in my future.
Now that section of my story is over, I have returned. Not everything went as planned but things have found a relative pattern of ease again. It is time for a new chapter to begin. There needs to be new drama, new struggle and new achievement. I have steady employment that grants me a fairly reasonable work/life balance but I am not satisfied with where my career lies, I still need to grow. Most importantly it is time for me to stare down my lurking lonely shadow. I have to find a way to be comfortable being on my own because there is no other option right now. I am not sure what will come but I do know that no one currently in my life will be part of my day to day going forward and I need to be ok with that.
I am finding this is a two pronged battle. The first prong is the most obvious of the two, the ever present loneliness that comes with living by yourself. At times it can be very nice to come home to a quiet apartment, with no one expecting anything of you. However, the majority of the time it is just a numbing experience. You begin to feel disconnected because you are always returning to your fortress of solitude and the rest of world feels less real as a result. Also, while having your attention demanded in a particular direction can be aggravating being needed is an important thing. I mean I suppose it is different for a sociopath, but most of us really do need people even if we do not realize it.
The second prong is more insidious as it is the self doubt that come when pondering the state of your own loneliness. Even as I write this now I mentally criticize myself for my own weakness. I spend all day at work thinking about how much I do not want to be around most of those people because I feel they are nothing like me and then I come home where I can be alone and long for just a little company. My own hypocrisy bewilders me at times. I am purposefully selective in who I open up to, obviously excluding the faceless anonymity of the internet. So, I bring about my own damn misery.
The point of this all is I am starting to get restless and need to start doing something. I can no longer be complacent and need to start making changes in my life. The only changes that have come to me in life without my direct action have been terrible and to be honest I have had enough of those for quite some time thank you very much. I may not be 20 anymore but I sure as hell am not dead yet, it is time to get to work!