The Deep End


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Hey there folks!

I know, I know. It has been far too long I had such a strong streak going there for posting on a regular basis and just let it fall to the wayside. However, my main goal here is to talk about life and experience and the random things that go through my mind, and sometimes that means you have to allow the tide of life to take you for a ride.

So indulge me for a moment while I update on things. I have a job that I discussed briefly previously but I honestly feel glad everyday I go to work and I thank the powers that be that I found the job I did. The work itself is boring as piss to be perfectly honest but I couldn’t be happier. I always said that what I did was not as important as the environment I worked in and the people I worked with and this job is the perfect example of that sentiment.

On top of that about a week ago I went to Key West, which was the furthest south I have ever traveled and was also the first time I flew. Come to think of it that trip held a lot of firsts for me and was far and away the best trip I have ever been on. The capstone of the trip involved a two and a half hour boat ride into the Gulf of Mexico to a small group of islands known as the Dry Tortugas. Never in my life have I seen water that blue and that clear, on top of the fact that there is an old military fort out there that appealed to the history nerd in me.

Needless to say I have been rather busy lately and it has felt really good in comparison to what the previous 8 months or so has been like for me. Honestly, life has been better than any other time I can think of, it has been kind of weird to be honest because I know so many people that are struggling. At times I have even felt a little guilty as things seem to go my way while those I love still wade through the shit. Underneath all of this is the stabbing realization that all of this was predicated by the loss of my mother.

The moments of deep thought that I am prone to, have brought upon me a new revelation that had not occurred to me. All of this time I felt that the biggest issue in my life was solitude, but the truth of the matter is I am largely ok with being alone. In fact, more often than not I actually prefer being alone in a general sense. The type of solitude that drives fear into my heart is the same fear I felt the first time I swam into the deep end of the pool.

I am not afraid of being alone in my day to day life nearly as much as I am afraid of being out of reach of those that I love. Since returning to my home town I have spent little to no time with the better part of my family. Not because I do not care for them or vice versa. The simple truth is we all have our own lives and it is not easy to coordinate schedules and make time for each other.

The metaphor really struck me when I was swimming in the cool blue waters near Fort Jefferson in the Dry Tortugas. You see the water was so clear that you could easily see the ocean floor beneath you and I felt so fantastic in the water that I just lost myself in the moment and kept swimming. Eventually I looked beneath me and did not see the white sand of the floor that was near the beach, but rather I saw the ominous darkness of a vast bed of sea grass. The water I was in was easily 15 or more feet deep and I recalled that earlier as I walked the perimeter of the fort I saw a sting ray swim past. The thought struck me that I was in relatively remote waters that saw little human activity and I was surrounded by wildlife that I had only ever seen on TV. Naturally I became slightly unnerved and swan back closer to the beach because I decided that the people that were in the vicinity did not need to hear me scream like a little girl in the off chance that something brushed past my leg while I was swimming.

However, as I reflected on the moment afterwards I realized just how accurately that moment served as a metaphor for my life. I have been afraid of going out too far out into the wild as it were. There are any number of reasons for this and I do not really care to get into them at this time, but this is something that I need to correct. In that effort I am actively trying to put myself out there more. It is high time I took charge of my life and just lay it all on the line. I also have felt the need to start taking care of myself because if I do not who else will. So in that spirit I have started working out at a local gym. I figure it gives me a chance to get healthier and it forces me into a situation where meeting people is certainly a lot more possible than on my couch.

Long story short, my entries may not be as regular as they were a couple of months ago but do not think I have forgotten you. I just need to take some time get myself comfortable in the deep end of the pool.DSCF0026

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