Hey there folks!
For the last couple of days, hell actually months if you have been regularly reading, I have been talking about thinking positive and what I think it takes to succeed. Honestly these things have been on my mind a lot for several years, but much more so now as I have been putting my life back together after losing my mother.
After receiving the official job offer that I spoke of last week I have to say right now things are going very well. Everything has more or less fallen into place for me and I am left with this really bizarre feeling that many have told me is happiness. Naturally I did the first thing I always do when finding myself in a new situation and I tried to recall anything I have ever learned about how to handle myself and process what is going on. However, that brought me to a disturbing realization, no on has ever prepared me for success. I have had more than enough lessons in how to prepare for, and handle pain, loss and failure. This is not meant to criticize the people in my life as much as it is a reflection that we spend so much less time talking about positive things than negative. I suppose in the scheme of things that not knowing how to process success is not a bad problem to have; in fact, if I were to choose a problem to deal with the rest of my life this would easily reach the top of the list.
I just find myself in a situation where I feel terribly conflicted. Part of me wants to shout out to anyone and everyone near enough to hear me because I am so excited for what is happening for me right now. However, at the same time I still know and love so many people that are struggling and I do not want to be the dickhead that just brags about his life. I have been the miserable person that had to listen to a friend endlessly brag about their success and it can get old very quick.
There is also a certain sense of guilt attached to all of this because part of me feels like a fraud. I know that I am where I am in large part because of my mother. While she was alive I always told her that she had done more for me than I could ever repay and with her final act she drove that point home even more. She made sure that in her passing my brother and I were taken care of, as much as she could. She equipped me with everything I needed to succeed but it really sucks that part of that is the result of losing her.
However, I realize now that I have to give myself permission to enjoy my good fortune. It has taken me a long time to get myself to a point where I can see the positive in my life, instead of trying to nit pick everything apart and I know that more than anyone else my mom would be the first to congratulate me and tell me to enjoy myself. While it is true that I owe her more than I can even put to words where I am in life is also a reflection of the choices I have made and actions I have taken. There is nothing wrong with being happy when things work out well and it is important to do so when you have the chance because happiness can be terribly fleeting.
When I really sit back and think about it I think that people do not take enough time to sit back and enjoy the good things in their life. Sometimes it may be hard to see the good but it doesn’t come around all that often and when it does it never stays for long. It is ok to enjoy life. I know that it a little reminder I need from time to time.