Hey there folks!
You know what is kind of funny? When I was younger I hated the idea of being lumped in the same category with others. I looked around me and saw a bunch of sheep grazing in the fields of conformity and subjugation. It felt like everyone around me was living with blinders on and I would be damned if I was going to live like them. I embraced anything and everything I could to shock, scare, and unsettle the people around me, because I wanted to make them as uncomfortable as I felt.
Well it turns out I was successful and now all I feel is alone. I spent so much time trying to not fit in that now I am not even sure I know how to be part of a group. When I do find myself with people I have to just sit there silently more often than not because if I expressed the thoughts and feelings I have all it would do is start arguments and hurt feelings. However, when I sit by silently people start thinking that I am judging them so sometimes it feels like there is no winning.
I have had these feelings for so long now that I have begun to wonder if I am just an asshole with serious socialization issues. I would like to believe that I am still just slightly out of place and that somewhere there are people that are like me, but hope is dwindling.
The overall effect is I never maintain any social group for very long and the groups I interact with I am never fully apart of, because I never let myself get too comfortable. I have previously spoken about the fact that for a significant portion of my adult life I lived with my family. The truth is I never did that because I couldn’t live on my own or was afraid of responsibility. I did want to help my parents out as much as I could, but at the end of the day I didn’t want to be alone and they were the only people I knew that would put up with my shit no matter what happened.
Every time I have ever lived with other people, whether it was my family or roommates, I usually just keep to myself anyway. But there is something about knowing that there are people on the other side of the wall that I could go and talk to if I was so inclined.
While many of these issues are things that I can work on, and some of them I am, I know deep down I am not going to really change. My solitude has seemed to be the price for me being a genuine, authentic person. I am dynamic and above all else real. I do not speak or act idly, and while I am learning to move on from the unwarranted anger of my youth, I refuse to apologize for my opinions.
For those of you that have actually read this far, thank you. I want you to know that I love you, and whether or not I know you is irrelevant. There is a likeness in all of us if we look hard enough for it, and that likeness is why I love you. Here is to the promise of tomorrow!