State of the Jason ’14
I know that a few months back I said I was going to try to encapsulate two years into one reflective post and I did a good job of catching everything up to that point in time. However, it seems that the universe accepted the challenge I unknowingly put forth when I stated that I was not going to allow negativity to guide my decisions anymore. Basically a month and a half after my last posting I lost my mother to congestive heart failure, which is the same thing that got my father as well. So this all meant that this year was my first birthday without either of my parents. You always kind of understand that your parents are eventually going to pass away, I mean death is the eventual conclusion to life. I have to be honest, I never anticipated losing both of them before I turned 34.
So 3 months later and I now find myself living back in the town in which I grew up. Even though my entire life was more or less rearranged I am still determined to keep my focus on the positive and keep moving forward. I am currently able to reconnect with family that I have not been around for far too long and I very much feel like I have returned home after a long absence. I do still have my good days and bad days which, if I learned anything after the death of my father, will be the way things are from now on. This loss is not something you can ever forget.
Thinking about the loss also makes me realize how lucky I was. My parents were the only people on this planet I could explicitly trust. They did not have much and they certainly made their fair share of mistakes but I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that as long as they were here I was never alone. Ironically writing this now makes me realize how lucky I still am because as I reforge the relationships of my youth I know I still have people in my life that genuinely love me.
As much as my parents felt like a safety net of sorts the thought of that net being gone is kind of exciting. As long as the net is there it is easy to get caught up in the fear of failure. Someone put the net there to catch me when I fall so falling must be a real possibility. But, if the net is not there then falling is no longer an option. All of the noise and fear fades away because it is just time to take action.
Despite the pain of the last few months and the sheer turmoil that has come to my life recently as a result of my loss I am still in a good place and things are going to get better from here. I may have 34 years in the books but I am only getting started yet. Here is to many more years to come. To everyone that I have ever known I want to give my sincere thanks I love you all and I would not be the man I am today if not for all of you. Finally to Stephen and Catherine Marteny words can never adequately explain how much I love you, everything I am is because of you and you will never be forgotten. Cheers!