A few years ago when I was working in a movie theater I was struck by the urge to compile a list of inappropriate behaviors in a movie theater. Originally I wanted to rank them from one to ten but this proved too difficult so I list them here in no particular order. All of these rules have been drawn directly from my personal experiences with customers. So, for the benefit of us all here is the list of…
Ten Things Not To Do in a Movie Theater
- If you are sneaking into a movie theatre that is empty, Do Not claim you lost your ticket. We are a business that makes money based on ticket sales; therefore, we electronically record all ticket sales. This means that we already know that you do not have tickets for this movie, which is why we are removing you from the theatre.
- At any point in time, Do Not, bitch to a movie theatre employee about the prices. We know how expensive it is to go to the movies, we are there every day. In fact, we all agree with you. The prices are ridiculous, but ultimately we live in a capitalist society, so as long as the public (aka: You) keeps paying the prices they are going to remain ridiculous. If you don’t like the prices than stay home and don’t pay them.
- If you are having sex in a movie theatre and are caught when the cleaning lights are turned on, Do Not, assume that we are giving you the go ahead to continue when we leave the theatre. The truth is we are stepping into the hall so that we can laugh at you and to give you a minute to get dressed because chances are we do not want to see your naked ass. If you decide to continue we will decide to remove you from the theatre in the most embarrassing way allowed by law.
- If you are watching a movie and start feeling sick, Do Not, just sit there and yak in the theatre. Quite frankly this is fucking disgusting. Not only do we not want to clean that up, but the other patrons in the theatre did not pay to watch you puke right next to them. There is absolutely no reason for you to not go to the bathroom, which is where civilized human beings go to get sick.
- If you bring a child to the movie theatre to watch a movie, Do Not, allow your child to run around the theatre like a raving lunatic. People paid hard earned money to watch a movie, not watch your child throw a temper tantrum. If your child does start acting up, at least have the decency to remove him/her from the auditorium.
- If at any time during your stay at the movie theatre an employee of the theatre speaks to you, Do Not, ignore the fact that you have been spoken to. Quite frankly it is just rude, the least you can do is acknowledge that we have just spoken to you, all it takes is a look or a gesture. In the end you expect us to provide you with polite and courteous service and we will be less inclined to do so if you start out the interaction by acting like a douche.
- If you are trying to bring outside food and/or drink into the theatre, Do Not, carry it out in the open. This is obviously just an insult to our intelligence. There are signs on the door that clearly mention that outside food and drink are not allowed. Not to mention that, isn’t this the reason that women bring their big purses to the movies anyway. Just hide you’re shit and take it out once you are in the theatre it isn’t that hard.
- If you feel the need to dip while in the theatre, Do Not, leave your spit cup lying around when you leave. Not only is this a disgusting habit but also making others deal with your spit cup is inexcusable. Are you so damn lazy that you can’t carry your damn spit cup to the trashcan. Quit acting like a barn yard animal and clean up after your damn self.
- If you are using one of the arcade machines at the movie theatre and it eats your money, Do Not, put any more damn money in the machine. I would have thought this obvious but just for those of you too stupid to realize. If the machine takes your money and does not operate properly it is more than likely broken and will only continue to eat any more you put into it.
- If you are in line to buy concessions and reach the counter to order, Do Not, just stand there and stare at the damn menu looking like a monkey doing a math problem. Movie theatres have been selling the same concessions items for decades. I know the choice between popcorn, candy, and soda can be overwhelming for some of you but make up your damn mind before you reach the counter. There are people standing behind you in line waiting to go to a movie and the longer you take deciding whether or not you want butter on your popcorn the longer it takes us to get you your food.